Happy New Year!!

On behalf of all Uber and Lyft drivers I wanted to thank all riders for your business on New Years Eve!

It was a crazy night but thankfully no one yacked in my car! A few of you I thought for sure would. Like my boy Malik, who I swear could’ve been DJ Khaled’s body double!

As I arrived at the pick up spot around 2am, I glanced in my rearview and noticed a couple approaching. Newlyweds. I judged, by the way they were walking arm in arm in that euphoric state. She stumbled. Nope. Not newlyweds, they weren’t hugging. He was holding her up! “Shit.

“I won’t throw up in your car I promise!” She said in a thick drunk accent. “And if she does, I got you.” Malik said. “I run a carpet cleaning business!” Oh goody! Do you guys have emergency roadside assistance? Cause if she yacks I can’t be waiting until Tuesday to be made whole!

“I’m not going to throw up! I swear!” She reiterates… (Did she just say that in Arabic?!) Even still, could you stick your face in this yak sak?

Now Malik was cool and he was a straight hustler. As we come up on his destination, (which turned out to be Mcdonalds) Malik turns to me and says “Hey are you hungry, let me buy you dinner.” As if the idea just popped into his head. Bro, you knew only the drive-thru was open after 2am. This n**ga.

Still. A free meal doesn’t sound bad. Then I looked at the line of cars in the drive thru. It went clear out the parking lot! Sorry bro. Appreciate the offer. but I gotta make that money. Skurt! Skurt!

The earlier it got the more interesting the rides became. Almost had a couple of Lyft line passengers get into a fight!see Lethal Lyft Line

My final ride was quite humorous though. This guy met a girl in a bar in San Francisco. They hit it off and she invited him back to her place… In Oakland!

To avoid surge pricing they hopped on BART yellow line which was offering free services from 8pm-5am. Well, evidently they fell asleep! They went all the way to the end of the line in Bay Pointe! To add insult to injury the train was shut down and they got locked in!

Frantically they went from car to car checking all the doors even passing by another fella who succomed to fatigue. (Oddly, they didn’t wake him up). Eventually they got out as luck would have it there were still some workers at the station. I asked him if his night ended on a good note. It did. Well then… All’s well that ends well! Happy New Year!

Lethal Lyft Line

Uber pool and Lyft Line have created a perfect recipe for interesting and odd situations to occur. When you throw total strangers into a car anything can happen. One one extreme I heard of a time where two people met and hooked up after meeting during a pool. On the other hand when you get a group of drunk strangers into a pool it can go in a completely different direction. This is memoir of one of those times.

So there was an Asian, an Israeli, and and an Irish guy (I know sounds like the beginning of a truly tasteless joke)

Let me explain. I accepted a Lyft line ride around 3am New Years Day. In hops Asian combo girl and Israeli drunken master. Conversation starts off normal like any ride. Asian combo girl was chatty. Israeli drunken master kinda faded out on the conversation after his initial pleasantries. Asian combo girl wanted to know if she could add a stop and drop Israeli drunken master off at his house. Nay nay.

I explained there is no way to update the destination on a pooled ride. She said it shouldn’t be a problem as it was “on the way”. Again.. Nay nay.

Besides I just got a ping to pick up another rider. We pick up Irish thug guy who also was sufficiently intoxicated judging by the fact he bumped into the car apparently trying to get in before he actually had the door opened!

Now this bloke had a can of something in his hand which I asked if it was beer and if so could he withhold from opening and/or drinking for the duration of the ride. He claimed it wasn’t beer. But as I was driving on his second swig, I side glanced and saw it was a can of Coors Light.

This muthafucka.

I immediately pulled over.

I don’t think so!

Homey don’t play that!

He relented and tossed the can out the window. Ok now, we’re cool.

Now Asian combo girl resumed her drunken Israeli guy detour campaign.

While she insisted the detour was “on the way” Irish thug guy saw it differently. He said the detour was in the opposite direction.

Then they started arguing about who knew the their way around the city better. Things started escalating so I quickly defused the situation by directing the conversation to current events.

Turns out, Asian combo girl was a current student at Stanford working on a combined degree in civil engineering. Combined? That’s when a student takes classes to obtain a bachelor’s and masters degree simultaneously. (Hence the Asian combo girl nickname)

She said she had a 10 year hiatus from college after dropping out of Stanford her freshman year. She traveled the world to engage in every nefarious activity a woman can do. Even porn? Ok, everything except porn.

She said she came from a “priveleged” family. Umm… Ok. Despite her family’s ridiculous wealth she like all of us had a troubled childhood. She used “no one raised her” as a metaphor to describe her parents lack of attention/interest to her, her education, and interests growing up. I guess it’s true, money can’t buy you happiness. Despite being rich, she was still neglected and robbed of her basic human needs to be loved, adored, and valued.

As she’s sharing her story I can hear Irish thug guy interjecting with unintelligible comments which were either some form of Galic or Irish ebonics.

Meanwhile drunken Israeli guy who up until that point I thought was dead, pipes in with words so slurred I couldn’t be sure if he was actually talking or gasping for air.

But when Irish thug guy started belittling Asian combo girl for her worldly ways he sprang to life to defend her honor. That’s when shit got real! Out of nowhere Irish thug guy says “If you fucking touch me again I’m going to thump you!”

Wait! What?

The poor guy was drunk out of his mind and probably touched Irish thug guy accidentally trying to catch his balance. Up until a moment ago he’d been leaning forward with his head on the back of the front seat in an apparent attempt to stop the world from spinning!

I’m like ok let’s all calm down! Can’t we all just get along? All of a sudden it hit me. This is just like being a normal day in the car with my kids! “Ok you sit back in your seat and keep your hands to yourself.”

“You. Move your seat forward, stop antagonizing and dammit watch your language!” Bout to put these grown folks in time out!

Luckily everyone got to their destination unscathed despite the snide remarks they occasionally made towards eachother. We tried dropping off Israeli drunken master a few blocks from his house but the tremendous incline of the San Francisco sidewalks proved too much for him so we brought him back into the car and he just went home with Asian combo girl. Truly this ride takes the cake as one of the most bizarre rides I’ve had to date!