Uber pool and Lyft Line have created a perfect recipe for interesting and odd situations to occur. When you throw total strangers into a car anything can happen. One one extreme I heard of a time where two people met and hooked up after meeting during a pool. On the other hand when you get a group of drunk strangers into a pool it can go in a completely different direction. This is memoir of one of those times.
So there was an Asian, an Israeli, and and an Irish guy (I know sounds like the beginning of a truly tasteless joke)
Let me explain. I accepted a Lyft line ride around 3am New Years Day. In hops Asian combo girl and Israeli drunken master. Conversation starts off normal like any ride. Asian combo girl was chatty. Israeli drunken master kinda faded out on the conversation after his initial pleasantries. Asian combo girl wanted to know if she could add a stop and drop Israeli drunken master off at his house. Nay nay.
I explained there is no way to update the destination on a pooled ride. She said it shouldn’t be a problem as it was “on the way”. Again.. Nay nay.
Besides I just got a ping to pick up another rider. We pick up Irish thug guy who also was sufficiently intoxicated judging by the fact he bumped into the car apparently trying to get in before he actually had the door opened!
Now this bloke had a can of something in his hand which I asked if it was beer and if so could he withhold from opening and/or drinking for the duration of the ride. He claimed it wasn’t beer. But as I was driving on his second swig, I side glanced and saw it was a can of Coors Light.
I immediately pulled over.
I don’t think so!
Homey don’t play that!
He relented and tossed the can out the window. Ok now, we’re cool.
Now Asian combo girl resumed her drunken Israeli guy detour campaign.
While she insisted the detour was “on the way” Irish thug guy saw it differently. He said the detour was in the opposite direction.
Then they started arguing about who knew the their way around the city better. Things started escalating so I quickly defused the situation by directing the conversation to current events.
Turns out, Asian combo girl was a current student at Stanford working on a combined degree in civil engineering. Combined? That’s when a student takes classes to obtain a bachelor’s and masters degree simultaneously. (Hence the Asian combo girl nickname)
She said she had a 10 year hiatus from college after dropping out of Stanford her freshman year. She traveled the world to engage in every nefarious activity a woman can do. Even porn? Ok, everything except porn.
She said she came from a “priveleged” family. Umm… Ok. Despite her family’s ridiculous wealth she like all of us had a troubled childhood. She used “no one raised her” as a metaphor to describe her parents lack of attention/interest to her, her education, and interests growing up. I guess it’s true, money can’t buy you happiness. Despite being rich, she was still neglected and robbed of her basic human needs to be loved, adored, and valued.
As she’s sharing her story I can hear Irish thug guy interjecting with unintelligible comments which were either some form of Galic or Irish ebonics.
Meanwhile drunken Israeli guy who up until that point I thought was dead, pipes in with words so slurred I couldn’t be sure if he was actually talking or gasping for air.
But when Irish thug guy started belittling Asian combo girl for her worldly ways he sprang to life to defend her honor. That’s when shit got real! Out of nowhere Irish thug guy says “If you fucking touch me again I’m going to thump you!”
The poor guy was drunk out of his mind and probably touched Irish thug guy accidentally trying to catch his balance. Up until a moment ago he’d been leaning forward with his head on the back of the front seat in an apparent attempt to stop the world from spinning!
I’m like ok let’s all calm down! Can’t we all just get along? All of a sudden it hit me. This is just like being a normal day in the car with my kids! “Ok you sit back in your seat and keep your hands to yourself.”
“You. Move your seat forward, stop antagonizing and dammit watch your language!” Bout to put these grown folks in time out!
Luckily everyone got to their destination unscathed despite the snide remarks they occasionally made towards eachother. We tried dropping off Israeli drunken master a few blocks from his house but the tremendous incline of the San Francisco sidewalks proved too much for him so we brought him back into the car and he just went home with Asian combo girl. Truly this ride takes the cake as one of the most bizarre rides I’ve had to date!