Lil Miss Cleverpants

I know I primarily said this blog was about my Uber rides, but I have to go on a tangent and tell you about what happened at home last night!

So I was putting my 6yr old daughter Paetynbto bed and we talked a bit, had ourselves the wildest time!

First we got into a deep conversation about our fears. She asked me papi what are you most afraid of? “Losing you.”

She paused, then smiled.

“I’m afraid of spiders, snakes and wolves…” She goes on to list about 20 other things she was afraid of.

Then the hiccups came. So we spent a good 20 min trying to get rid of them. Scare tactics,tickling, holding her breath. Nothing seemed to work. Not exactly sure how but eventually they went away.

Now with the hiccups gone I said “Remember I have to get up at 3 in the morning for work so let’s settle down.” She said she couldn’t.

Then I got a brilliant idea! I said “Pae here’s what I listen to when I’m trying to relax. I played some meditation music. She said “I don’t like this. It doesn’t sound good coming into my head!”

“Thats because your don’t know how to relax. Let me show you.

First I go feet go to sleep, legs go to sleep, tummy go to sleep, etc til I got up to the head.”

She told me to repeat the process and this time she’ll nod when she’s said it to herself. So we went through it again. Feet go to sleep… Nod. Legs go to sleep… Nod. Tummy go to sleep… She paused… Then nodded. Whew! That was a tough one!

All the way to the head. The nods faded away, and she was snoring in less than 2 min!

I was like holy shit! Did I just find the Holy Grail to getting children to sleep?! The song wasn’t even 1/2 over!! I prided my discovery. How could I monetize this I pondered.

Then it hit me. Now she’s asleep… But I’m still awake! Shit!

Ok now to fall asleep for real. Started walking myself through the steps. Feet go to sleep… Legs go to sleep.. down the list.. as I begin to fade away off in the distance I can hear my son’s pet turtle Michelangelo scuttling across his glass cage. Just then I thought, I wonder if walking on that glass is like walking on ice? Mikey needs some grip. He’s got to be….

Someone was tapping me on the arm… I open my eyes to find Paetyn starting at me eyes wide open almost surprised to find me still awake!

Quickly regaining her composure she says I heard something. Clever.

It was just the turtle..

She was surprised “I thought you’d be asleep by now..”

Wait what?!

Were you just pretending to be asleep?!

She grinned.


This kid was clever. I’ll give her that.

The Curious Case of Percy Collins

Had a guy Percy Collins and his family giving them a ride to OAK If anyone was an expert at CP time it was them! For those unfamiliar with the term it stands for “colored people” time which is an adjective the describes black people’s stereotypical disregard for punctuality

15min it took them to get into the car! 10 min for them to bring out 3 suitcases another 5 for them to mosey on out to the car and then they pull out something from the trunk of their minivan. The daughter is dragging it with her back to me so I couldn’t see what she had. Turns out it was a foldable electric wheelchair!

Then my internal dialogue runs rabid “Maybe I should help her.” “Man fuck that bitch, they made me wait!” But emotion gives way to logic “Bro she could scratch the shit out of your car…” My baby! Immediately I’m out the car “Let me help you with that!” She swore up and down that it would fit in my trunk… It wouldn’t. She clearly did not want to squeezed in-between the scooter and her obese mother. She was. Funny how the universe has a way of working things out!

25 min later we are finally on the road. We go through the normal rigamarole about where they are flying to and what they do for work. Percy the patriarch was the most vocal. Got to telling me his name was Percy Collins and his son was also names Percy Collins Jr. When Jr had a son Percy Sr called and asked if he was going to carry on the naming tradition and his son responded with an emphatic NO! Percy said “See how bold he got over the phone!”

Now Percy was a retired shuttle driver from the veterans hospital. He said he had to retire because when he would show up to drop off a patient and the intake nurse would get confused as he couldn’t tell which one was the patient!

He would often drop off patients with dementia and find himself getting into arguments with the patients as they would believe that the cane he was walking with was there’s! I said you know it’s yours cause it had the initials PC for Percy Collins on it!

Hey if you can’t name the grandson at least you can name the cane!

Too much bullshitting!

Now before I jump into this story I want to preface that in no way am I trying to slander or disrespect any one culture or the way they talk. I’m giving you the story as I heard it. Nothing more.

Ok so the other day I stopped at a McDonalds in Oakland around 2am to use the restroom and recharge. I pulled up to another Uber driver, an Indian fella who introduced himself as Hari.

He asked me if I drive for Uber and Lyft(as if my decals didn’t give it away) I said… yeah. He said “I don’t drive for Lyft. They are no good. They are too much bullshitting.”

I was curious so I bit. “How so?”

Hari goes on to tell me that Lyft evidently deactivated him for too many customer complaints. “Lyft, they banned me. permanently, now I only drive for Uber. Uber they are different 3, 4 times already they deactivated me for too many customer complaints. ”

“But I drive for Uber for a long tine. Since 2015 I am driving . They say Hari we know you are good driver. Some complain some do not, the it’s all the same.”

“Uber, they understand. I am deactivated one month, 2mth, I re-register; they approve. no problem. But Lyft they deactivate me permanently. Fuck them they are too much bullshitting!”

Now I’m thinking Bro you are not seeing a trend here?! Both companies deactivated you for poor customer service! Instead of complaining about the company, why not look at the root of the problem! Apparently your customer service skills suck!

Too often I hear stories about drivers being rude to their riders, getting heated because a rider suggests a different route even to the point of kicking riders out of their car?!

The way I see it if a rider suggests a better route it’s probably faster which means you can get to your next ride faster. So why not take the guidance? It’s a win-win!

The only time I see this as a problem is when a rider opts for a Express POOL but then tries to beat the system by having you drop them off at their actual destination instead of the drop off point. I’ve only had that happen a couple times. Most people understand the game and are willing to play by the rules.

The other situation is when you pick up multiple passengers on a single UberPOOL or Lyft LINE and they want you to make multiple stops. That’s when you politely tell them that’s not how it works. Of course money is a powerful motivator and I might be persuaded to drive a couple of extra blocks if the tip is solid.

Bottom line there is no reason to be rude or impolite. Drivers are just trying to make that money and riders are just trying to get to their destinations. Why not make the best of the experience?

What does that spell?!

Gave a ride to a drunk lady and her 10 yr old daughter coming back from a baby shower. Asked what she did for a living she said she was a broker. I said what kind of broker? Stocks? Insurance? She spelled HOOKER!

Now the interesting thing was not only did she have a 10 yr old daughter, she also had a 5yr old son and a husband! I wonder how that works?

Now remember her daughter was in the 4th grade I’m pretty sure she knew what HOOKER spelled!